>Bauer… Jack Bauer…

>How many of you have watched the TV show 24? Well I was (and still am) a major 24 addict. Here for your mirth and merriment is a collection of the funniest jokes about The Jack that Ive ever read, some of them had me laughing so hard I couldnt stop, enjoy:

If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he’d shoot Nina twice.

If everyone on “24” followed Jack Bauer’s instructions, it would be called “12”.

Jack Bauer’s house has an alarm system — not to warn Jack of intruders, but to warn the intruders of Jack.

Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

Jack Bauers calender goes from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Jack Bauer.

Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.

Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer fucking hates lemonade.

Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

Jack Bauer doesn’t speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.

Jack Bauer is the ‘I’ in team.

Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.

Nobody says ‘hit me’ when Jack Bauer deals Blackjack.

Osama bin Laden’s recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

Jack Bauer doesn’t miss. If he didn’t hit you it’s because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

If Rosa Parks was in Jack Bauer’s seat, she’d move to the back of the bus.

Every mathematical inequality officially ends with “< Jack Bauer”.

When Google can’t find something, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

Superman’s only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.

Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better fucking do it.

If Jack Bauer misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong.

Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.

On a high school math test, Jack Bauer put down “Violence” as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence.

Jack Bauer once double teamed a girl… by himself.

Jack Bauer removed the “Escape” button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.

When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.

In 96 hours, Jack Bauer has killed 93 people and saved the world 4 times. What the fuck have you done with your life?

When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.

During the commercials, Jack Bauer calls the CSI detectives and solves their crimes.

Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Jack Bauer less than an hour. And he’s done it twice.

There are no such things as lesbians, just women who never met Jack Bauer.

Men are ok with their wives fantasizing about Jack Bauer during sex, because they are doing the same thing.

Jack Bauer can get McDonald’s breakfast after 10:30.

You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.

In high school Jack Bauer was voted “Most Likely to Kill the Foreign Kid”… and “Best Eyes.”

Jack Bauer knows Victoria’s secret.

Jack Bauer doesn’t play the game SORRY. Jack Bauer apologizes to no one.

Guns dont kill people, Jack Bauer kills people.

There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Jack Bauer way. It’s basically the right way but faster and more deaths.

If Jack Bauer was gay, his name would be Chuck Norris.

In kindergarten, Jack Bauer killed a terrorist for Show and Tell.

People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.

G.I. Joe has Jack Bauer action figures.

Jack Bauer makes onions cry.

Jack Bauer’s favorite color is severe terror alert red. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.


Killing Jack Bauer doesn’t make him dead. It just makes him angry.

It’s no use crying over spilt milk… Unless that was Jack Bauer’s milk. Oh you are so screwed.

If you wake up in the morning, it’s because Jack Bauer spared your life.

Tony was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital, underwent emergency surgery and was back on the job in just a few hours. Jack Bauer still can’t believe that pussy went to the hospital first.

1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

Sun Tzu once wrote, “If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Jack Bauer, you’re fucking dead.”

What color is Jack Bauer’s blood? Trick question. Jack Bauer does not bleed.

If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Jack Bauer says its beef. Then it’s fucking beef.

4 Comments Add yours

  1. Brown Magic says:

    >i was chuckling along the entire time, but chuck norris is where i did a spit take.

  2. The Dude says:

    >thanks…glad you liked it.cheers…

  3. chitgo says:

    >this is a rip off from the chuck norris’ diary isnt it?

  4. The Dude says:

    >sorry man, never heard of such a diary…

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