OFFICIAL MAN COMMANDMENTS

Well I decided to try something a little different this time around. I read the article on Jerry’s page by Dave Barry after ages and it made me laugh. I realised that though we have a load of these ‘Cosmo’ style women’s’ mags and a number of men’s mags like Esquire, FHM and Maxim – none of them are as obviously “this is women” style as the womens’ mags. “Lad” mags are just about the hot chicks, humour, gadgets, hot chicks, movies, music, hot chicks, games and wierd stuff.. entertainment, but nothing that’s obsessively ‘Manly’ if you know what I mean..

So it’s in this spirit that I give to you all the rules that define us, the males of the species – and trust me, whoever it might be, regardless of race, religion, creed, ethnicity, tastes,whatever! – these are truly universal laws. These are the unwritten, but ever present rules of the male animal, written down now for the 1st time, but since my biblical english is a little rusty, bear with me:

 

1. Under no circumstances shall two men shareth an umbrella.

 

2. ‘Tis acceptable for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

(c) After wrecking thy boss’s car.

(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into “The Crying Game“.

(e) When she is using her teeth.

 

3. Any Man who bringeth a camera to a bachelor party mayest be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

 

4. Unless he murdered someone in thy family, thou must baileth a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

 

5. If thou hast known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless thee actually marryeth her.

 

6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in thy buddy’s fridge is forbidden. However complaineth at will if the temperature be unsuitable.

 

7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact even remembering your buddy’s birthday is strictly optional. At that point thou mayest celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy’s choice.

 

8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determineth pit stops, not the weakest.

 

9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, thou mayest ask the score of the game in progress, but thou mayest never ask who’s playing.

 

10. Thou mayest flatulate in front of a woman only after thee have brought her to climax. If thou trapeth her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she be officially thine girlfriend.

 

11. It is permissible to drinketh a fruity alcoholic beverage only when thee are sunning on a tropical beach… and it’s delivered by a topless model. And it’s free.

 

12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are thou allowed to kick another guy in the nuts-eth.

 

13. Unless thou be in prison, never fighteth naked.

 

14. Friends don’t let friends weareth Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

 

15. If a man’s fly be down, that be his problem. Thou didn’t see anything.

 

16. Women who claimeth they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

 

17. Never hesitate to reacheth for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that’s just greed.

 

18. If thee complimenteth a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.

 

19. Never shall thou join thy girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of thine, except if she’s withholding sex pending thy response.

 

20. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!

(b) C’mon, give me one more! Harder!

(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

 

21. Never talketh to a man in a bathroom unless thou art on equal footing i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation thou needeth.

 

22. Never alloweth a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than thou art able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hangeth up if necessary.

 

23. The morning after thee and a girl who was formerly ” just a friend” have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that thou art feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to naileth each other once again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

 

24. It is acceptable for thou to drive her car. Tis not acceptable for her to drive thine.

 

25. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

 

26. The girl who replyeth to the question “What do you want for Christmas?” with “If you loved me, you’d know what I want!” geteth an Xbox. End of story.

 

27. There be no reason for guys to watcheth Ice Skating or Men’s Gymnastics. Ever.