OFFICIAL MAN COMMANDMENTS

Well I decided to try something a little different this time around. I read the article on Jerry’s page by Dave Barry after ages and it made me laugh. I realised that though we have a load of these ‘Cosmo’ style women’s’ mags and a number of men’s mags like Esquire, FHM and Maxim – none of them are as obviously “this is women” style as the womens’ mags. “Lad” mags are just about the hot chicks, humour, gadgets, hot chicks, movies, music, hot chicks, games and wierd stuff.. entertainment, but nothing that’s obsessively ‘Manly’ if you know what I mean..

So it’s in this spirit that I give to you all the rules that define us, the males of the species – and trust me, whoever it might be, regardless of race, religion, creed, ethnicity, tastes,whatever! – these are truly universal laws. These are the unwritten, but ever present rules of the male animal, written down now for the 1st time, but since my biblical english is a little rusty, bear with me:

 

1. Under no circumstances shall two men shareth an umbrella.

 

2. ‘Tis acceptable for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:

(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.

(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.

(c) After wrecking thy boss’s car.

(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into “The Crying Game“.

(e) When she is using her teeth.

 

3. Any Man who bringeth a camera to a bachelor party mayest be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

 

4. Unless he murdered someone in thy family, thou must baileth a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

 

5. If thou hast known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever unless thee actually marryeth her.

 

6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in thy buddy’s fridge is forbidden. However complaineth at will if the temperature be unsuitable.

 

7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man. In fact even remembering your buddy’s birthday is strictly optional. At that point thou mayest celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy’s choice.

 

8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determineth pit stops, not the weakest.

 

9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, thou mayest ask the score of the game in progress, but thou mayest never ask who’s playing.

 

10. Thou mayest flatulate in front of a woman only after thee have brought her to climax. If thou trapeth her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she be officially thine girlfriend.

 

11. It is permissible to drinketh a fruity alcoholic beverage only when thee are sunning on a tropical beach… and it’s delivered by a topless model. And it’s free.

 

12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are thou allowed to kick another guy in the nuts-eth.

 

13. Unless thou be in prison, never fighteth naked.

 

14. Friends don’t let friends weareth Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

 

15. If a man’s fly be down, that be his problem. Thou didn’t see anything.

 

16. Women who claimeth they “love to watch sports” must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

 

17. Never hesitate to reacheth for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that’s just greed.

 

18. If thee complimenteth a guy on his six-pack, you’d better be talking about his choice of beer.

 

19. Never shall thou join thy girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of thine, except if she’s withholding sex pending thy response.

 

20. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:

(a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!

(b) C’mon, give me one more! Harder!

(c) Another set and we can hit the showers!

 

21. Never talketh to a man in a bathroom unless thou art on equal footing i.e., both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation thou needeth.

 

22. Never alloweth a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than thou art able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hangeth up if necessary.

 

23. The morning after thee and a girl who was formerly ” just a friend” have carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that thou art feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to naileth each other once again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

 

24. It is acceptable for thou to drive her car. Tis not acceptable for her to drive thine.

 

25. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.

 

26. The girl who replyeth to the question “What do you want for Christmas?” with “If you loved me, you’d know what I want!” geteth an Xbox. End of story.

 

27. There be no reason for guys to watcheth Ice Skating or Men’s Gymnastics. Ever.

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26 Comments Add yours

  1. Anki says:

    >Using our teeth… hee heeits our only weapon against ur fucked up species

  2. Renovatio says:

    >Dude, I don’t get all the gymming and six pack inuendos… I mean where’s the commandment that says thou mayest never hit the gym unless upon the insistence of thine other half, not necessarily the better half…Now to get on to individual commandments…2. You missed crying over a fellow man actually remembering the song he first kissed his girlfriend he’s about to marry to.5. Let’s just take that as said sister’s off limits shall we?7. But he is under obligation to remind his buddies about girlfriend’s dog’s birthdays, anniversaries, and valentine’s day.10. Please tell me flatulate is actually a word… it’s too damn good to not be one…12. Such as other guy feeling you up in a bar, when your long hair is tied back and the goatee is clearly visible.14. But they’re allowed to laugh at them right?19. Why would said girlfriend/wife be discussing another friend while sex is on the table…21. …and if words must be exchanged while both urinating, eyes must be fixed on a random crevice between tiles directly in front of the eyes…25. You get lime green cars?Best I can manage, just my bit for men the world over…Cheers!

  3. Raindrop says:

    >Men who cry over the use of teeth should just suck it up and learn to be grateful. Isn’t it funny though how women’s magazines feature as many women(albeit, less unclothed) than men’s magazines do? The world revolves around women. Civilized society anyway. And that’s the way it should be.

  4. Renovatio says:

    >Hey, here’s a man who loves the teeth if used right! I’ll cry tears of joy, singing along a hallelujah chorus!

  5. Renovatio says:

    >Nails on the other hand…

  6. The Dude says:

    anki:now thats just plain mean! we arent all that bad are we…? ,:)

    renovatio:Ok, lets take this one at a time:-
    2. in that case you dont cry, you just take the nearest heavy object and smack him upside the head.
    5. agreed!
    7. if his continued survival is at stake, sure… and cmon, its the DOG! how can you not anyway?
    10. Oh it most definately is, fun isnt it?
    12. hmmm… more extreme then id pictured, but sure – that works!
    14. Most definately! thats what good friends are for!
    19. dont ask me, but you know that sex is a females ultimate bargaining tool, and we have only enough blood to think with one head at a time, so…
    21. True.
    25. Sadly…yes…and if you like the teeth, well big ups to you man, you’re proof that one more weapon (as you might see from other responses here) is losing power!

    Raindrop:believe me, one way or the other we’re grateful… guys tend to not be as picky (most of the time) and take what they get – not a good thing, sure, but thats the truth. And yes, the fact that womens mags always have so many good looking women on/in em has been a quandary for me…I agree with you on that last part most heartily madam, even before ‘womens lib’ women were things to be adored and followed like pets on a leashso it was, so it is and so shall it always be… cheers…

  7. Anki says:

    >but bad is good… n renovatio needs to get the teeth therapy once to realise what it really means hee hee

  8. Renovatio says:

    >I wear collar shirts with three buttons open… People know when I’ve had teeth therapy when I close two of the buttons, long hair just doesn’t do the trick…

  9. The Dude says:

    >anki:ah-so! now i get it…renovatio:im gonna remember that, but dude i think you kinda missed the point about HOW and WHERE i meant when i mentioned the usage of the teeth…

  10. Renovatio says:

    >I chose to miss the point…

  11. Renovatio says:

    >But if anki wants to demonstrate what SHE meant…

  12. Anki says:

    >sorry “Dude” but i just cant resist… “People know when I’ve had teeth therapy when I close two of the buttons, long hair just doesn’t do the trick…”i hope renovatio was talking bout the fly buttons

  13. Renovatio says:

    >Like I said, I was very pointedly ignoring the teeth therapy you were thinking of… you’re more than welcome to demonstrate what you had in mind :p

  14. The Dude says:

    >renovatio:dude, sorry man but i think anki got the upper hand in this particular battle of wits…anki:that was absolutely hilarious, im truly glad you chose not to resist!cheers…

  15. Renovatio says:

    >Wait a sec, I just noticed I mentioned long hair… Anki’s got a fetish :p

  16. >i’d prefer a wii over an xbox anyday.what’s so bad about male friends giving each other birthday gifts? my bf’s friends just gifted him a wii and a 6 month ski pass in the alps. if i had friends like that fuck being a man i’d wanna age everyday!

  17. The Dude says:

    >renovatio:dude, youre gonna have to take that up with her… hobo:which you pick is a matter of choice, but about the getting your friends gifts, theres nothing wrong with it, as mentioned – theres no compulsion, no guilt, no issues.. you want to get a gift, go for it, else its all good anyway…and yes, if i was getting gifts like that, id want to age more often too! 😉

  18. Renovatio says:

    >Okay fine, I’ll admit, she’s got me by the balls… but I really wonder if that’s what she was trying all along…

  19. Anki says:

    >oh my my… fellatio proposals to fetish for certain kind of hair… u men r truly malicious *sighTHE END

  20. >hehe. the first one had me lol. beats me why females don’t understand 23 and 24 though.

  21. mahima says:

    >oiii u like sernity???? me too !! see now i understand we ARE related hehehsorry abt the outburst but i dont think i know anyone else in delhi whos even heard of it!

  22. The Dude says:

    >renovation & anki:i really have no words to respond, so im gonna let you guys figure it out ;)big eyed fish:happy i could add a little laughter to your day, always a pleasure..as far as the ladies not getting those points, well given that guys dont get much ANYTHING about girls, its fair that somethings should be a mystery to them too… Mahima:Yup! its one of my all time favourites, in fact im obsessed with the series that gave rise to the movie.. dont worry about the outburst, i react the same way whenever i chance across someone who knows the name, its like a group that has a life of its own! and youre right cuz, theres pretty much no one in dilli who knows it, save a couple of my friends whove been forced (by me) to watch it..

  23. Renovatio says:

    >CAS said serenity was coming at like 1:15 last night on hbo, but I was too sleepy to stay up and watch it…

  24. The Dude says:

    >too bad you missed it… but if its on hbo now, itll be back one of these days.

  25. >@renovatio: serenity is the kind of movie you stay up for buddy. despite it’s sci fi leanings.

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