>Darwin Awards!

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Hey guys, I decided to make a list for you all. 

This year seems to be off to a rocky start and just hasn’t picked up any positive momentum in this, its first quarter… So!! In the interest of lightening the mind and giving people something to snicker at, I’ve decided to share one of my hobbies with you.I’m an avid follower of the Darwin Awards, for those that don’t know them, they describe themselves as: “Named in honour of Charles Darwin, the father of evolution, the Darwin Awards commemorate those who improve our gene pool by removing themselves from it.”

Anyhow, I was going through a list of the winners from the year 2007 and decided to pick my favourites and share the laughter with you, my loyal blog mates, so that we might together see the stupidity levels to which humanity can reach… and well, mostly just for shits and giggles! Enjoy!   

1. The Enema Within 

(21 May 2004, Texas) Michael was an alcoholic. And not an ordinary alcoholic, but an alcoholic who liked to take his liquor… well, rectally. His wife said he was “addicted to enemas” and often used alcohol in this manner. The result was the same: inebriation. The machine shop owner couldn’t imbibe alcohol by mouth due to a painful throat ailment, so he elected to receive his favourite beverage via enema. And tonight, Michael was in for one hell of a party. Two 1.5 litre bottles of sherry, more than 100 fluid ounces, right up the old address! When the rest of us have had enough, we either stop drinking or pass out. When Michael had had enough (and subsequently passed out) the alcohol remaining in his rectal cavity continued to be absorbed. The next morning, Michael was dead. The 58-year-old did a pretty good job of embalming himself. According to toxicology reports, his blood alcohol level was 0.47%. In order to qualify for a Darwin Award, a person must remove himself from the gene pool via an “astounding misapplication of judgment.” Three litres of sherry up the butt can only be described as astounding. Unsurprisingly, his neighbours said they were surprised to learn of the incident.   

2. Cow-ard 

(19 April 2007, Phnom Penh, Cambodia) Unwanted amorous advances on a heifer resulted in a man’s death at the hooves of the violated bovine. Sounds of a scuffle culminated in the discovery of his naked body lying beneath the frightened family cow. Injuries to the head and genital area were consistent with being kicked to death. Why did he do it? The man’s divorce had become final 10 days prior to his fateful final fling. In the divorce, and also a previous divorce, his ex-wives cited his insatiable desire as the cause of the dissolution. Police concluded that the man died in a rape gone wrong. They do not plan to take action against the cow, which appeared to have been acting in self-defence.   

3. Weight lift 

(27 July 2007, Guadalajara, Mexico) 24-year-old Jessica was working out in the Provincia Hotel’s gym when she realised she needed something from the floor below. Instead of picking up the phone, using the intercom, or just walking downstairs, she decided that the open shaft of the industrial lift was the communications device for her. So Jessica stuck her head into the empty shaft to shout to the people downstairs. And somehow, she missed noticing that the elevator was coming up towards her. If the elevator had been going down, one could say that she was in no position to observe the approaching lift. But, leaving aside the stupidity of sticking your head into an elevator shaft, if she was looking down, how could she miss the mass of metal inexorably headed her way? Since an elevator cage and a skull are both solid objects, one had to give. Let’s just say, the elevator won. Jessica will be missed by her family, but not by the gene pool.   

4. Oil tank trampoline 

(24 June 2007, Colorado) If you cut the rug on an oil tank, be careful not to light a cigarette or bong, else you may soon be climbing the proverbial “Stairway to Heaven”. After smoking marijuana and liquoring themselves up at a popular party spot in Routt National Forest, a group of teens decided that it would be fun to leap and cavort on an oil tank. The energetic gyrations of the dancers caused fumes to leak from the relief valve, and “there were several ignitions sources,” according to the sheriff. People were smoking, and there was a bonfire nearby. One of these ignition sources sparked a “flash dance” and the crude oil storage tank exploded, hurling two men 150 yards to their deaths. The deceased were identified as Samuel and Christopher, 17 and 19. To Review: – Reproduction: At 17 and 19, they had not yet reproduced, nor can they now reproduce. – Self Selection: They thought it was wise to jump on an oil tank containing 160 barrels of crude oil, while stoned out of their gourds. – Excellence: Stoned insensible, drunker than drunk, and dancing on an oil tank exuding flammable vapours near a campfire.   

5. Elephants press back 

(2007, India) Increased mining and recent rains in southeast India have unsettled the wildlife. In the past few months, migrating elephants have killed eleven people in southeast India. A team of four journalists decided to interview this herd of rogue elephants. And they went into the forest in search of the rogues — on foot. Elephants are big, and elephants are fast. As the recent deaths illustrate, a person can’t out-run an elephant. But these intrepid journalists apparently assumed that a press pass grants immunity. With a nose for news, the journalists sniffed out the herd. Once located, it was only natural that they should capture the photogenic animals on film. Unfortunately, the elephants were camera shy. Angered by the flash, the irritated herd charged the paparazzi, miraculously killing only one of the four. His remains could not be retrieved. 

Well, that’s it for me folks, hope this brought a laugh, a giggle, a snicker or at the very least a chuckle to your day. This now being the weekend should be enjoyed and if this helped you start your weekend with some laughs, my job is done. 

For those that read this during the week, little late, but maybe this will ease those Monday blues some. 

Oh yeah, if you want to read the rest of the winners and the nominees/honourable mentions that didn’t get an award, go to the Darwin awards website, they’ve already started on ’08! 

Cheers!