1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not
follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just piss off and leave me alone.
2. Sex is like air. It’s not that important unless you aren’t getting any.
3. No one is listening until you pass wind.
4. Always remember you’re unique. Just like everyone else.
5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
6. If you think nobody cares whether you’re alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
8. If at first you don’t succeed, sky-diving is not for you.
9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably well worth it.
11. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.
12. Some days you are the dog,some days you are the tree.
13. Don’t worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
14. Good judgment comes from bad experience … and most of that comes from bad
judgment.
15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
16. There are two excellent theories for arguing with women. Neither one works.
17. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.
18. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
19. We are born naked, wet and hungry, and get slapped on our arse – then things just keep getting worse.
20. Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
…I hope that brought a laugh or two, as a parting gift I leave you with this wallpaper to contemplate and possibly one day reach my level of nirvana… cool runnings my people!
One Happy Monk's Reviews 
Superb post and yes I laughed right a lot.
Then my work here is done! *whoooosh!*