“Until the day I die, I’ll never forget those glassy, unblinking eyes.” I said, “I tell you now dear girl, there are some things that just stay with you! Like Dürer’s portrait of Krel – Gods! The look on that mans face, I almost feel constipated myself”
A shudder went through me as the image of that Nurembergian accountant crossed my mind, I could almost feel my sphincter clench in anticipation of creating trouble for me. The greatest war a man fights is with his own body, of that you can be certain!
“I understand sir! …I think…” said my new intern as she stumbled keeping up, “But what does that have to do with this?”
Leela was a bright young girl and had shown a certain…spark… in her writings, so I selected her. But it was clearly going to take a lot of work to bring that spark to the surface before I could even think about starting any fires!
“EVERYTHING and nothing Leela dear, everything and nothing. If you‘re to be a mathemagician, you need to remember that it’s all about knowing all and knowing nothing!”
With my usual flair I strode forth to the so-called ‘crime scene’, just barely avoiding a lovely little surprise left for my by the universe via one of it’s bovine agents. Frankly my morning had been troublesome enough without that contributing to it. Upon entering the theatre, my young protege gasped to a stop before hurrying to catch up, I must admit, I enjoy having younglings around, nothing quite like that sense of wonder to stoke the fires within oneself. As we strode down toward the stage I continued my analysis/lesson from where I had left off.
“For instance: Before us we have this Chevy Impala floating merrily over the stage, quite remarkable! Now while it makes a lovely addition and would be an inspired choice to use in their next performance of the Ramayan – (can you imagine Ram and Laxman using this to travel around and fight demons? Marvelous!) – I imagine that’s not what anyone was intending to do with it. Proof of this is that the good police-men have traced to be one missing for the past week from a drive-way in Paris, Texas. Splendid isn’t it?”
“But how did it get here? How is it floating? Why?” she blurted, all muddled and uncertain.
“Exactly! Now you are asking questions, but remember to ask as many as you can think of and if they don’t solve your problem – think of some more!”
“I’ll try Doctor…”
“Good girl! Now, look here, there’s surface damage to the body on the drivers side – combine that with the fact that the position is static and factoring in it’s position, height and engine being off, we have facts but no conclusion. BUT! Upon my inquiring via the police, the owner had the key and the car was parked for the night – no visible damage to the key-hole outside or inside and we can suppose that it was partially pushed (or pulled!) out of the regular flow of spacetime and as the Earth spun on it’s axis and moved around the sun as its right, well…”
“Well what?!” said Leela and the policemen who had gathered behind her simultaneously.
“Oh right! Well it’s clearly been frozen for just a few mere moments, locked in one position in violation of the all natural laws and is here only as a result of whatever held it in place letting go!”
“And the damage Doctor?”
“Oh that? That’s a side-effect, while it was out of sync with the rest of the universe (lucky thing!), the world passing it by must have been just close enough to sort of… graze it.”
I looked back at them all, pleased with my handiwork and deductions, only to be greeted by blank and confounded faces just about processing what I had said. It was not their fault and so I heaved a sigh, kept my stiff upper lip and carried on.
“Well that’s that gentlemen – and lady.”
“What is? What are we to do with it?” piped a slightly bright looking fellow from amidst the crowd.
“Oh the car! Yes, just leave it a while, whatever locked it is slowly fading, should crash back down in a few hours – maybe some cushioning? I’ll be in touch with the local Mathemagician in that neck of the woods and with a little luck, we’ll have our merry prankster in no time! Come along now Leela, we have much to do and little time to do it!”