Hey folks, so I found this while sorting some files on my laptop last night: it’s a collaborative mini-fiction story that me (“Spider” to you folks here) and another fellow odd-ball started on a whim (I’m going to refer to him as “Snidely” hereafter because for some reason he reminds of the character from Dudley Do-Right if anyone even remembers that…) and it proceeded to get a life of it’s own.
In addition, the story was also contributed to by 2 more of my peers whom I shall refer to as Silent-Noop and Crazy Fuzz!
This is an insane little narrative created in under 5 minutes, thanks to my friend Snidely for the inspiration and assistance! Inanity, silliness and bad puns ahoy!!
Part 1. (Spider)
Once upon a time, a scientist who survived an assassination attempt, was driven crazy and became a super-villain with a secret base in Tahiti. He built a machine that would generate tsunamis potentially capable of decimating all coastlines.
He did this because he was driven insane when he lost his bollocks in a botched assassination attempt involving a bomb in a ketchup bottle one sunny morning while he was having his breakfast.
Part 2. (Snidely)
Why Tahiti you ask? Well he was always fond of the place after seeing the paintings. You know, the ones by Godin or Gauguin or something. The lack of fabric didn’t hurt. Or wait, it did, seeing how his bollocks were on some other faraway island. Till today he prefers the sight of blood to ketchup.
So here he was putting the finishing touches on his “Tsunami-Maker 1000” (patent pending), heedless of the fact that on the other side of the earth, in Hatiti, a crazed superhero called Mainaarahahoon had been working on a tsunami-badnami ray gun for just such a happenstance. Boy…talk about luck!
Part 3. (Spider)
Meanwhile mild-mannered Munee Bhags relaxed in his la-z-boy, reading the latest issue of Tinkle.
Suddenly, the Bath-phone rang and he leapt and grabbed the extension over the loo, answering in the gruff voice of his alter ego: Mainaharahahoon!
“Yes Mr. President! Prof. Bumsucklee is doing what? The fiend! By blessed coincidence sir, I might have just the thing to stop him! Thank you, goodbye!”
Slamming the phone back, he leapt into his super-secret shower stall and clung on to the stripper pole installed within. With a quick turn of the secret hand-shower lever, the floor opened and he slid down the shiny metal rod to his super-secret Bath-cave below.
Part 4. (Snidely)
As you can see, bathing was merely a cover, why else would anyone do it?
Quickly changing into his lycra suit and towel cape, Mainaarahahoon grabbed his tsunami-badnami ray bomb (yeah, that’s right, it’s a ray bomb now, deal with it!). Fast as a slippery soap, he jumped onto his flying plunger and set off for Tahiti.
Part 5. (Silent-Noop)
The ray gun glistened on the stainless steel counter as he flew. As he gazed at it, Mainaarahahoon experienced a familiar feeling – a tingling at the base of his skull. Usually, he just shrugged it off, putting it down to pre-mission nervousness, but this time – maybe because of the utter oddness of this chrome plated weapon – he allowed the inkling to be processed into a thought. And here’s what it was:
Of all the possible weird inventions, why in God’s name did I spend last night working on just the thing to stop Dr. Bumsucklee? In fact, hasn’t this sort of thing happened just a little too often?
Part 6. (Spider)
For the first time in his life he questioned his actions, never before had he thought before acting.
But today he did and this created a flux in the nexus of reality that resulted in time stopping around him in that moment, flying through the air in his Plun-jet, the tsunami-badnami ray gun (yes it’s a gun again. If you’ve read this far, you should know not to question things!) on the counter next to him as he sat on the plush porcelain pilots seat.
Suddenly a brilliant flash of light blinded him and he looked up to behold…
Part 7. (Snidely)
“Ahahaha Mainaharahahoon! You fool! You fell for my brilliant plan”, There was Bumsucklee in his path, sitting in his overcompensatingly large rocket, which had caught Mainaharahahoon with a tractor beam. Which was basically a long steel beam that was stabbing through and trapping our hero, the beam itself attached to a tractor which acted as the landing gear for the rocket.
“Did you think it was a mere coincidence that it was known that I was making a Tsunami-maker? That was just a way to ensure you come hopping like an excited bunny to my lair. You potty head!”
Part 8. (Spider)
Shocked back into action, Mainaharahahoon grabbed a lever nearby and shouted, “This is a thermite-bomb you party-pooper! Release my ship or I’ll plunge us both to our dooms!”
“Curses!” grumbled the mad-man.
Seconds later, the tractor beam was off and instantly our hero fired a laser beam that blew up the other plane. But before he could celebrate, his screen crackled to life and it was the professor!
“You have failed again hero! That was just a decoy! I still live and now my base is on full alert and those missiles headed your way should keep you busy and then in minutes my machine will be active and then urine for it! MUAAHAHAHAH!!!”
Part 9. (Crazy Fuzz)
M looked around, too dumbstruck to move, too dumb to strike. Bumsucklee paused his maniacal laughter and potty-humour to use his asthma inhaler – giving Mainaharahahoon *just* enough time to deftly flip the eject switch and tuck his head between his legs to kiss his sweet, beloved Plun-jet goodbye.
Bumsucklee watched open-mouthed as M’s sleek ejection pod streaked a graceful white plume as it flew right into a mountainside.
The explosion lit the tears welling up in Bumsucklee’s eyes, and he stepped out onto the poopdeck of this, his No. 2 flying fortress, he couldn’t help but think, “Wasn’t this story supposed to be about me anyway?”
Part 10. (Spider)
Wiping away a tear of joy at the demise of his nemesis, the mad villain turned to his serving-droid and said, “Number-1! Send a squad of crack guards to find and bring me the body of my nemesis! I will display his remains like my hero Jabba did to that annoying Hand Solo!!”
He cackled gleefully, rubbing his evil hands together as the robot puttered away to carry out his command.
“Now! At last, there is no one to stop me and the world will pay for what it has done to me!”
He began jabbing at the controls of the tsunami creating machine and soon the countdown began:
“Firing in 5 minutes!”
As the madman laughed, the door opened behind him and two guards came in with the battered body of our hero. The villain clapped happily and started rummaging for his carbonite freeze gun, all the while singing to himself, “And we can build this dream together! Standing strong forever! Nothin’s gonna stop us now!”
“Butt there is you insane ass!”
Bumsucklee turned to find his one soldier on the ground and the other unmasked as Mainaharahahoon!
Part 11. (Snidely)
“Damn you, Mainaharahahoon! Don’t you ever quit? And also, how do you expect me to get But-Butt jokes when we’re speaking, not texting?!”
“I don’t expect you to get it – expect you to die, Mr. Bum!”, he replied, jumping at the chance to swagger.
“Don’t you see? Don’t you see you will ruin us all if I don’t create this Tsunami?”
“How is that?” asked Mainaharahahoon, sounding unsure for once.
Part 12. (Crazy Fuzz)
“You see, the great pacific floater is getting too big! If we don’t flush it now, it threatens to block the entire panama u-bend!”
Mainaharahahoon scratched his chin thoughtfully. He had no idea what any of those words meant, but Bumsucklee did not appear to really have anything else to gain from the tsunami.
“So wait… You’re actually doing this to SAVE the earth? But why? You’re evil, and do you have any idea why I made an anti-tsunami ray gun at the same time you made this?”
“…no… That’s a puzzler alright.” said the villain.
“Damn.” said our hero, now getting lost in thought, “I wish I had remembered to grab it before ejecting… Hey listen…”
But it was too late – while Mainaharahahoon was thinking, Bumsucklee kicked the kitty litter box on the floor towards him, hoping to escape in the chaos. The shit had just hit the fan.
Part 13. (Spider)
And while our intrepid hero attempted in vain to shield himself from the foot-flung flying feces, (try saying that fast 5 times!) Bumsucklee headed straight for a box on the wall nearby that was the counter showing ‘Days without heroic interference’. Smashing in the glass that said ‘SMASH in case of Hero!’, the villainous villain went charging through the not-so-secret door to his back-up lab.
Once inside and with the door securely fastened behind him, he headed for the console.
Everything was in order and he walked excitedly over to the giant lever on the wall and waited as the computer did the final calculations.
He was as giddy as a schoolgirl who had drunk one too many cans of red-bull as the countdown neared it’s end and he would be able to then pull the plunger down!
Outside his nemesis pounded helplessly on the doors, shouting, “I’m begging you to stop! I’m pooped out and can’t do anything, I admit it! Please don’t unleash this evil!”
Part 14. (Crazy Fuzz)
“I can’t hold it in any longer! The pressure is too much,” Bumsucklee just wanted to let go, let it all go.
Mainaharahahoon pounded on the door in vain. The red sign above the lock said ‘occupied’ but to our hero it spelt “utter doom”. (He had a disorder alright?! Don’t make fun!)
Mainaharahoon went across the room and ran towards the door at full force, successfully dislocating his shoulder in the process. As he fell to the floor in pain, he heard the noise he had been dreading.
Bumsucklee stepped out of the lab door with a look of infinite calm on his face, and a newspaper under his arm. “It is done.”
“You monster! What have you done!”
Bumsucklee went to the window looking down at the world, breathing in the fresh air that had been eluding him for the last few, excruciating minutes. Mainaharahahoon hobbled over to join him and saw the rising water spreading as far as the eye could see.
“You’re all washed up, Mainaarahahoon. It’s over.” Bumsucklee’s voice was flat, as if all the emotion had been drained out of it.
“How could you do it? You basturd!” said Mainaharahahoon, fighting back the tears.
Bumsucklee turned to Mainaharahahoon, “A man’s got to do what a man’s got to doo-doo.”