Well, welcome to a new year folks – and what a year it promises to be… Now before you assume Im going to be all negative and painful about this, think again.
Ive decided to take a more upbeat view of things. Don’t get me wrong, I remain still the cynical bastard I always was, the only difference is that I’m now allowing my sense of humour a little less restraint. 🙂
Anyhow, we are faced with a new year that rolls in with terrorism everywhere, wars, devestating economic crisis’ and a host of old problems that have yet to go away. Faced with all this how can anyone not be down? Well, I’ll tell you – things have gotten so in this past year that Im sure God (whatever he/she/it is) is standing over the universal toilet right now watching his “greatest creation, made in his likeness” (man, for the ignorant) swirl round and round before heading to that great big drainage line in the afterlife.
But Im getting ahead of myself. There are good things out like… um… oh yeah! Barack Obama got elected and that means its all going to get better! .. wait, that cant be right..
Ah screw it, if it has to go up in flames, so be it. The important thing is to have no regrets, lead a good life and prepare yourself for the madness to come! The world has its up’s and downs and we learn from so many place (actually we don’t learn which is why we’re here, but thats bygones..) so to do my part to help out my fellow man, I thought I would forego the nicer posts that I had in mind and have pondered over but found nigh impossible to pen down sufficiently and move onto the learning of important things for a safer future. In the event of all hell breaking loose anytime soon, I want to share with you all this handy-dandy and simple as hell list (my thanks to the good folks at io9 for this):
8 Rules For Surviving The Apocalypse!Everything you’ve ever wanted to know, you can learn from sci-fi/horror movies — especially when it comes to surviving the end of days. Be it a vengeful Mother Nature, plague, monsters, animal packs or the undead, any kind of doomsday , you’ll be ready for. The key is to follow the steps of past scifi characters (or learn from their mistakes.)
Never Go Through A Tunnel
It seems like a quick and easy way out, but dark and scary passageways usually house bad things that you don’t want to bother with in the middle of fleeing for your life. It’s simple: tunnels=death, for at least one person in the group. This is a tried and true fact of apocalyptic movies. Take for example the idiot drivers who decided to take the tunnel in Independence Day, toasted via fire ball (except for the ones who had that dog, but more on that later). Also who could forget the night vision moments in Cloverfield walking through New York’s subway system. Avoid tunnels at all costs.
Do Not Join A Theme Gang
With the world ending, there will be many sad sacks who will try and recreate a Mad Max road warrior gang. Resist the urge to join anything theme-oriented. Basic rule of thumb: if you look like an idiot with a face tattoo or a fool running around in Medieval garb, you’re going to get the sharp end of the death stick. Doomsday spelled this out pretty clearly: everyone who looked ridiculous got a ridiculous ending. Motorcycle gangs count too, don’t forget even Romero’s Dawn of the Dead leather riders got their just rewards for their hideous outfits and bad attitudes. Stick to the rag-tag refugee look, or lone wolf army motif. If you have to join a gang, stay in the back and never do anything you might later regret — like eat people.
Do Not Go Back For Loved Ones
If the world is ending, you may feel the need to find love ones that are in Princeton, a New York Library or a high rise apartment. This is a bad idea. Let go of your emotions and assume that everyone else in the world is dead, or trying to steal your food supplies. Going after loved ones almost always means your own death or the death of someone in the group. Look at it this way, it your loved one has survived and you meet up with them, bonus for you. But most likely they died from the plague, zombies, earthquake flood or whatever.
Never Be The First
I can’t believe this even has to be said but no, do not go exploring in rooms, attic, caves, hallways or apartments where you are the first one in the door. My favorite character from Resident Evil Extinction, L.J., got bit by a zombie lady because he was checking out all the rooms to make sure it was safe. Let someone else do this, get a job as a medic or cook. There is no need for you to be first to go anywhere — let someone else do the exploring. If they find something really good, you can kill them and take it anyway.
If you don’t have a pet, I suggest you go to the pet store and steal one, looter style, or take care of your dead neighbors’. You may need this pet to help you keep your sanity or sacrifice its life for you, like in I Am Legend. Either way, animals are good luck when the chips are down for humans. You never know when a pair of love birds will come in handy to calm down a flock of murderous seagulls and crows. The same rule sometimes applies to children, but you will have to feed them considerably more.
Ditch The Biggest Guy In Your GroupThey will turn into a zombie or rage machine, it’s proven. Kill them before they kill you, or just ditch them at the next pass.
Don’t Trust People In Uniform Unless They Have Defected From The SystemNever trust the government, especially when the world is ending. It’s a terrible idea, they would rather nuke the whole place than deal with people. If you see the military, run the other way or hide. Do not do what they say. The friendly people of Hollywood followed the advice of the government from Right At Your Door, and what happened to them? Same with the people of Raccoon City, from Resident Evil Apocalypse. Granted an ex-military person hell-bent on sticking it to the man can be a wonderful asset during the end of the world, just be sure to know the difference between the two.
Don’t Barricade Yourself InIt always seems like a good idea, but 9 times out of 10 whatever you’re trying to keep out gets in and now you’re trapped. Think of the mess it caused for the cute little family in the beginning of28 Weeks Later and Shaun of the Dead. I say build a sky city in the trees.
Finally if all else fails, find the closest fridge, step in, and pray for a miracle.Cheers folks, hope that was informative and gave you a laugh alongside. Will be back for more chicanery soon, i feel like a fire has been lit – one fit for bad people and Im just the arsehole to throw more fuel into it.
See you around duckies.
11 Comments Add yours
>Very very good advice Dude, thanks for this. Another one to add to the don’t go into a tunnel rule is 28 days later – tunnels are usually blocked or filled with hoardes of monsters and the undead. They never ever work out. And as regards L.J – no, it isn’t a good idea to go first into a place, but he got bit because he let his guard down. Never, ever let your guard down. No one and no place is safe.That aside, it is great to see you back blogging. The world maybe burning at the moment but the one comfort I take is that it has burned many many times before and been rebuilt, so while things seem bad now they have been worse loads of times throughout history.
>loololol , I love the imagery and the 8 lil rules 🙂 have a great year!
>Dude,this is hilarious….thoroughly enjoyed reading it!thanks for the laughs!..great sense of humour.(when you’re cynical you are all- out cynical and when you’re funny you are too funny!)Have a wonderful 2009,dude!
>LOL… Also if all else fails I would say shoot yourself… You aint Indiana jones to survive a blast in a fridge 🙂
>@inkpotdamn, cant believe I forgot that one! 😀 ah well, maybe I’ll write up a sequel handbook sometime!and I agree wholeheartedly, things go their own way up and down and don’t stop the world turnin.. life’s too short, enjoy it for what it is while you can. @desert demonsglad you liked it! 🙂 hope you have a good year too.@nishaathank you, I try. ;)@SSQuoThanks!@ApocalypsEwell we are getting our life lessons from Hollywood here so in that case either you’re the guy that is meant to die or you live. If you’re #1 then you die no matter what – usually badly. If you’re #2 then you can definately survive a blast in a fridge! Cheers!
>Oh my god! I am enlightened!
>Ha Ha Ha very entertaining but your better when we have our retarded conversations! Not as evil as i thought it would be but this really put a smile on my face! 😀
>u got to move fast, move in the dark and no dont u fart :Pwhaccaccacaaa
>@shadowthorne:glad to be of service!@YesuI know bro, what can I say, Im just getting back to smart-ass-ness so give it a little bit.@sanely insane (like the nick btw)good points all! 😀
>*laughs*….*straight face*…*laughs!*So the thing is, ive been reading a hellalotta blogs..i mean a LOTTA blogs..most of them are plain boring, (i have very high std’s) ..i mean i laugh easy alright, but i dont really digg folks trying hard to be funny. Anyhooo, ur not one of em..yaay! Love ze post!! Stumbled into ur blog.glad i did. :DOh and u didnt mention the elevators. they’re always a bad option. 😐 bad.