10 Reasons to laugh this Monday!

In honour of the mundanely melancholy morass that is Monday, I decided to do something funny and so BEHOLD!!!

I bring you all a list of funnies! Selected from my list of favourite one-liners and status updates from my tenure on Facebook, so here they are, in no particular order:

#10.

Lets get one thing straight – I am NOT cute – Cute is a puppy dog. Cute is an Anne Geddes photo. Cute is not a 30 year old fluent in sarcasm. Now that, well, that’s hot.

#9.

The one thing we learn from history is that no one seems to learn from history.

#8.

It’s so awkward when you shout out someone else’s hand during masturbation…

#7.

Got pulled over by the police one day. He asked me if I had a police record. I said, “Yes…’Every Breath You Take’ & ‘Don’t Stand So Close to Me'”…now, what is my lawyer’s number?

#6.

If your ears burn because people are talking about you, what does it mean if your nipples itch? Just curious…

#5.

I scream. You scream. The police come. It’s awkward.

#4.

My favourite stereotype would probably have to be car stereos, because who doesn’t love music while they drive?

#3.

Every time a door closes, another opens somewhere else. I think it’s an air pressure thing.

#2.

If you take a tiny poop is it a dumpling?

 

…And finally…

 #1!!!

(I chose this to be the top of the heap simply because this got the most laughs and responses in general)

I love my wife. Sh*t, I meant Wifi.