In honour of the mundanely melancholy morass that is Monday, I decided to do something funny and so BEHOLD!!!
I bring you all a list of funnies! Selected from my list of favourite one-liners and status updates from my tenure on Facebook, so here they are, in no particular order:
Lets get one thing straight – I am NOT cute – Cute is a puppy dog. Cute is an Anne Geddes photo. Cute is not a 30 year old fluent in sarcasm. Now that, well, that’s hot.
The one thing we learn from history is that no one seems to learn from history.
It’s so awkward when you shout out someone else’s hand during masturbation…
Got pulled over by the police one day. He asked me if I had a police record. I said, “Yes…’Every Breath You Take’ & ‘Don’t Stand So Close to Me'”…now, what is my lawyer’s number?
If your ears burn because people are talking about you, what does it mean if your nipples itch? Just curious…
I scream. You scream. The police come. It’s awkward.
My favourite stereotype would probably have to be car stereos, because who doesn’t love music while they drive?
Every time a door closes, another opens somewhere else. I think it’s an air pressure thing.
If you take a tiny poop is it a dumpling?
(I chose this to be the top of the heap simply because this got the most laughs and responses in general)
I love my wife. Sh*t, I meant Wifi.